My Favorite Column Ever
Woman in the Middle | October 1, 2014On February 1, 2012, I wrote what I think is my favorite column ever. It is my favorite because it made people laugh back almost three years ago. I hope it makes you laugh today, my third blogging anniversary. In that time I have published 544 posts and received over 5,000 comments. Wow! Thanks to all of you who read my blog and make this so fun for me!
Better Bank Robber Names
In my paper a few days ago (yes, I still read the newspaper) was an article about the Puffy Coat Bandit who has stolen $43,000 from six banks. That got me thinking about bank robber names and how they are chosen.
Come to find out, the FBI picks bank robber names. They try to pick a name that will be memorable and will describe something about the bank robber that will stick in the public’s mind and maybe even help catch the guy or gal doing the robbing. Some recent bank robber names I found include the Geezer Bandit, the Ho Hum Bandit, the Plain Jane Bandit, the Go Green Bandit (He used a bicycle to leave the scene), the Miss Piggy Bandit (she weighed 265 pounds), the Time Bandit (he made victims count to 300), Tom Thumb Bandit (He had a bandage on his thumb), and the Shaggy Bandit (he had a goatee like the character in Scooby Doo).
Can you imagine getting up the gumption to rob a bank and then discovering that you have been nicknamed the Geezer Bandit or Miss Piggy?
So I have created this checklist of things to think about before you rob a bank:
1. Check your wardrobe carefully to make sure you are not wearing anything that could generate an unattractive nickname. Make sure everything is clean, neat, does not need repairs, and fits well. You don’t want to be known as the Holey Tennis Shoe Bandit, do you?
2. Make sure your Botox is up to date and maybe even fit in a little mini face lift before you go robbing. You don’t want to be known as the Old Lady Bandit!
3. This almost goes without saying, but lose the weight! If you are over weight, your nickname WILL reference your size. Guaranteed!
3. Leave those little personality quirks at home! The Ho Hum Bandit was named for his lethargic attitude. So keep your movements crisp and concise, suppress those ticks, and maybe even take an allergy tablet before you leave the house. You certainly don’t want to be known as the Sniffing Bandit.
4. Speaking of sniffing, avoid robbing backs while you are sick! God forbid you become known as the Runny Nose Bandit, the Coughing Bandit, or the Stuffed Up Bandit.
Still a good post! Thanks for sharing it again!
I remember when you made that post. I can’t believe it’s been 2 1/2 years that I’ve been reading your blog!
Do you suppose the FBI has an agent who only decides names for Bank Robbers? And yes, your post made me laugh! Thanks.
I really want that job, to be the one who picks bank robber names!